Passes tax on puffy directing pants in "Radioactive Man."Ĭhairs the Town Jubilation Committee in "Lisa the Iconoclast." Removes Lisa Simpson as Little Miss Springfield in "Lisa the Beauty Queen." Route 401 re-named the Michael Jackson Expressway in "Stark Raving Dad."ĭeclares Veteran's Day as Flaming Moe's Day in "Flaming Moe." Proposes Proposition 24 to run off illegal aliens in "Much Apu About Nothing." Pardons Sideshow Bob in "Sideshow Bob Roberts." If elected, Joe's first major legislative goal will be to provide free penicillin shots to anyone suffering from venereal disease, or as he calls it, "The fire down below." As he stirringly declared in his campaign kick-off, "With enough will, we can end crabs in our lifetime."ĭeclared an official snow day in "Bart Gets an F". If elected, Joe will radically increase immigration from Russia, the Philippines, and all other major stripper-producing nations. That's why he would limit each American to 25 bullets a year (or 20 for convicted felons.) Under this plan, Joe predicts a 15% reduction in shootings, and a 25% increase in pistol whippings, which the Mayor has always considered the coolest-looking form of personal assault. Quimby is committed to high-technology, investing $100 billion to build a satellite based defense system that can also descramble porn.ĭiamond Joe Quimby knows that guns don't kill people - the bullets do. Burns ("Homer Goes to College," "A Star is Burns.") And, he takes kickbacks from Springfield's small businessman ("Mayored to the Mob.")Īl Gore may have invented the internet, but "Diamond" Joe Quimby invented the Accu-Grip "personal comfort device", available through mail-order ads in the back of most major adult publications. Monorail.") He admitted using the city treasury to fund the murders of his enemies ("Krusty Gets Kancelled.") On two occasions he has taken bribes from Mr. He once said Springfield only had $2 million, rather than the actual $3 million, for a monorail ("Marge vs. Mayor Quimby may not be very trustworthy with tax dollars. He's been spotted at the Sleep Easy Motel ("The Cartride Family,") seen on videotape in his own car ("Homer Badman,") heard singing at the Maison Derriere ("Bart After Dark,") and caught in his own bed by his own wife ("Bart Gets Famous.") Quimby has probably seen more action at the office than JFK and Bill Clinton combined. Joe will ensure that no child graduates high school without such basic skills as knowing how to mix a dry martini or how to hide an unconscious showgirl in the maid's quarters. Though he was called an "illiterate tax-cheating, wife-swapping, pot-smoking, spend-o-crat" by radio host Birch Barlow ("Sideshow Bob Roberts,") Quimby maintains that he is no longer illiterate. He is a modern family man, sharing his life with a wife, at least two illegitimate children ("Lisa the Beauty Queen" and "And Maggie Makes Three,") and a chowder-eating nephew named Freddy ("The Boy Who Knew Too Much.") "Diamond" Joe Quimby, as he is known, was born February 9, 1950. Joseph Fitzpatrick Fitzgerald Fitzhenry Quimby Comment by 231672Can't we have one meeting that doesn't end in us digging up a corpse (or in this case, reanimating them)?
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